Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness: Chelsie's Story

October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, and we know so many of you have endured heartbreaking experiences. Part of our passion and mission behind our #WeAreWeCan campaign is sharing the stories of the collective struggles that we as women face, and to recognize that we are not alone. This month, we're sharing the stories of women who've experienced pregnancy and infant loss in an effort to create awareness about the issue and to help other women who may be in similar situations feel supported, inspired, and less alone.

Fawn Design Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

Today we're sharing the story of Chelsie Carr. Chelsie has endured a lot of pain and heartbreak in her young life, including a cancer diagnosis at the age of 16, followed by an aggressive regimen of chemotherapy, and subsequent infertility challenges and miscarriage as an adult. Below, read more of her story and her advice to other young women.

COULD YOU TELL US ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY LOSS STORY?

Two months before my 16th birthday, I found out that the consistent shin splint pain I was dealing with was actually being caused by a six-inch tumor in my left tibia. After a week of testing, I was officially diagnosed with Osteosarcoma and immediately started an aggressive regimen of chemotherapy. We asked my doctors at the time if we should be concerned about my treatment causing infertility down the road and while they said there was always a possibility, they weren't overly concerned. We proceeded with treatment without doing anything extra to preserve my fertility and after a year of chemo, I was pronounced cancer-free. Fast forward 11 years later, when my husband and I decided we were ready to start growing our family. I was a little nervous about my health history and wondered if it would make getting pregnant difficult, but didn't give too much thought to it because no one had been that concerned during my treatment. Dustin and I were over the moon when we found out we were expecting shortly after we decided to start trying and I breathed a huge sigh of relief, thinking that cancer was done causing me grief and pain. We went in for our first ultrasound at 8 weeks and saw our little baby bean on the ultrasound and couldn't believe it was real. Our OB said the baby was measuring a little small and that he wanted us to come back in two weeks for another ultrasound. He didn't give us a due-date or try to find the heartbeat because the baby was too small and I remember leaving that appointment wanting to feel joy but instead, feeling so nervous and unsure. We went back in two weeks later and as the ultrasound was pulled up, I immediately knew that something was wrong. There wasn't anything on the ultrasound and our doctor gently told us that we had miscarried. There are no words to describe that kind of heartbreak. We've struggled to get pregnant again since our miscarriage and recently learned that recent research shows that my chemo regime can cause infertility and egg damage. We're starting the process of getting help through fertility specialists, but often worry that our miscarriage might be the only pregnancy we get to experience in this life.

Fawn Design Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

IN WHAT WAYS HAS THIS EXPERIENCE SHAPED YOU?

I learned how complex grief is. For the first week, I literally felt like the sadness would swallow me up whole. I questioned everything about my life and who I am and my future. I questioned my faith. I felt like I had “done my time” so to say, with cancer, and wanted to know why I was being given another burden to carry. I found myself hating my body and feeling like it had betrayed me once again. I literally wanted to crawl out of my skin and sleep for days. Every now and then, I would have moments of asking myself, “Why am I so sad?” We weren’t pregnant for very long; this happens very frequently; we didn’t meet this baby; we didn’t even get to hear the heartbeat. But here’s the truth: Dustin and I lost our baby. And that comes with a very deep and real pain that demands to be felt. I learned that the only way to truly heal from this trauma was feeling and acknowledging the pain so that I could learn how to live with it, instead of being drowned by it.

Fawn Design Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

HOW OR WHERE DID YOU FIND SUPPORT, PEACE, AND COMFORT FOLLOWING YOUR EXPERIENCE?

My best friend texted me after she found out and said: "It's okay to feel however you feel about this" and that was so helpful for me to hear, because I felt SO many emotions beyond grief. It was like she gave me permission to feel all the feelings, even if I thought, "I shouldn't be feeling this way," and that allowed me to experience them so I could move forward from them. After a few months, I began to find my footing again and I received a beautiful piece of jewelry from a friend. It was a necklace that had a heart on one side of the pendant and baby feet on the other side. I was terrified that our baby would be forgotten and being able to wear that necklace every day helped me feel like I was preserving the memory and honoring our baby. I slowly turned my pain and grief into motivation and purpose: to become someone who my baby would have been proud to call "mom."

FOR OTHER WOMEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED PREGNANCY LOSS AND MAY BE STRUGGLING, WHAT ADVICE OR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT WOULD YOU OFFER THEM?

You will have moments when you are happy and sad at the same time, and that's okay. It's complex and, at times, confusing, but it's okay to feel joy even when you are sad. It’s important to grieve, it’s also important to find hope and hold on to it because that's the only way to survive this. Look for the hope. Look for the joy. Feel the pain, but move forward anyway.

Fawn Design Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness

WHAT'S ONE THING ABOUT PREGNANCY LOSS YOU'D LIKE PEOPLE TO KNOW?

I want other people to know that just because I didn't get to meet my baby and just because I was only pregnant for a short time, my loss is just as real and devastating as any other loss. It's the loss of a child, the loss of a future, and the loss of confidence and trust in my own body. Women who go through miscarriages need their loss validated, need love, support, and kindness and we appreciate those who stand by us for as long as we grieve and put our pieces back together.

Photos: Lizzyography

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness: Chelsie's Story

COULD YOU TELL US ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY LOSS STORY?

IN WHAT WAYS HAS THIS EXPERIENCE SHAPED YOU?

HOW OR WHERE DID YOU FIND SUPPORT, PEACE, AND COMFORT FOLLOWING YOUR EXPERIENCE?

FOR OTHER WOMEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED PREGNANCY LOSS AND MAY BE STRUGGLING, WHAT ADVICE OR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT WOULD YOU OFFER THEM?

WHAT'S ONE THING ABOUT PREGNANCY LOSS YOU'D LIKE PEOPLE TO KNOW?

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